


Didn't Want You To Leave

by orphan_account



Category: Merlin (TV), Merlin (TV) RPF
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Returning Home
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-25
Updated: 2013-12-25
Packaged: 2018-01-06 00:51:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1100511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Colin was beside himself with rage. He had no desire whatsoever to see whatever stupid thing Bradley had brought for him. It had taken him every last atom of strength he had left to get up and go back to work and his life - or the shadow of what used to be his life - after Bradley had left, without any explanation, without saying goodbye, and completely cutting him off, except for a measly post-it note, which had ‘I’m sorry’ scrawled on it. But despite himself, he found himself turning towards the laptop as the video loaded and he recognised the music from the Merlin soundtrack.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Didn't Want You To Leave

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LenaMania](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LenaMania/gifts).



> Completely a construct of my imagination. All lies. None of this happened.
> 
> For LenaMania. I'm sorry about how shoddy this is. This is not the main one I was working on. But I thought I had to give you something to commemorate the *thing*, and it HAD to be angsty. Something better (and happier) shall follow soon!

‘Get out,’ Colin said, dropping his grocery bags to the floor.

 

‘Col, just hear me out please-,’ Bradley muttered, getting up from the sofa, where he’d been sitting, waiting for Colin to get back.

 

‘How did you get in here?’ Colin asked, his eyes seething with rage.

 

‘I er… I still had your spare key,’ Bradley said sheepishly, holding up the key.

 

Colin walked up to him and snatched the key from his hand.

 

‘Get out, Bradley,’ he said again, his voice low.

 

‘Listen to me-’

 

‘No, Bradley - I’m done. I’m done with you, and you leaving without a trace. You made it clear you didn't want to hear from me. Go away, then - I’m done with this, with us.’

 

Bradley opened his mouth to say something, and then shut it. He shifted his eyes away from Colin and reached out for his laptop lying on the coffee table.

 

‘I um, okay, I probably deserve this anger -’ he started.

 

‘Yes. You do. Now leave.’

 

‘Alright, okay, just - I have to show you this,’ Bradley said, moving towards Colin with his laptop, stopping short when Colin moved backwards, his jaw set, his angry eyes fixed firmly on Bradley.

 

‘Okay, I’ll just leave this here - just watch it, okay? I promise I won’t say anything - I’ll just - I’ll go into the kitchen, alright? If you still want me out after this, I promise I won’t bother you again.’ Bradley set the laptop down back on the coffee table, and hit the trackpad. 

 

‘Ever,’ he added, as he stepped backwards, seeing Colin’s gaze shift to the laptop.

 

Colin was beside himself with rage. He had no desire whatsoever to see whatever stupid thing Bradley had brought for him. It had taken him every last atom of strength he had left to get up and go back to work and his life - or the shadow of what used to be his life - after Bradley had left, without any explanation, without saying goodbye, and completely cutting him off, except for a measly post-it note, which had ‘I’m sorry’ scrawled on it. But despite himself, he found himself turning towards the laptop as the video loaded and he recognised the music from the _Merlin_ soundtrack. 

 

His eyes widened as he saw footage of himself and Bradley on the set of _Merlin_ , fooling around with the knights. He recognised the day from the filming of one of the episodes of season four. Eoin, Tom, Rupert, Angel and Bradley were standing in the courtyard at Pierrefonds huddled in a group, chatting and laughing as the crew worked around them, fixing the cameras and lights. He himself was standing a few feet away, silently stroking his horse. Colin watched as Bradley-in-the-video left the group and walked over to him, both their faces breaking into smiles as they made eye contact, Bradley’s gloved hand coming to rest on Colin’s across the horse’s neck. They were talking to each other, and Colin was laughing. The footage then cut to one of their Comic Con panels, where Katie was answering a question, but the camera was focussed on Bradley turned wholly toward Colin, animatedly telling him something and both of them so entirely lost in their conversation that they didn’t realise the entire audience was laughing at how they weren’t paying attention to the things Katie had been saying. 

 

_This was the panel in France,_ Colin realised as he stepped closer to the table, mesmerised by this sudden throwback to the old days. He watched as Bradley sheepishly apologised to Katie, and then the footage cut again, to something he never wanted to remind himself of again - Bradley and himself sharing earphones, singing _You’re the Voice_ and making the most bizarre expressions they could think of. Cut again - both of them sitting in a car, _from The Real Merlin and Arthur_ , Colin remembered - and gasped as he saw the _longing_ look on Bradley’s face as Colin spoke to the camera; cut again to footage from the wrap party after the filming of season four, both of them standing with their arms around each other, Colin leaning in to say something to Bradley, both of them blissfully unaware of the other people at the party, and Colin, watching this, remembered what he had said to Bradley that night and reason kicking in, hit out violently to slam down the screen of the laptop. 

 

He fell back, his back leaning against the sofa, breathing fast, his pulse racing. He heard Bradley walk back into the living room and made no move to look at him. Bradley walked around the sofa and found Colin sitting on the floor, his eyes wild and his face aghast.

 

‘Colin -’ he said, reaching out to rest a hand on his shoulder. Colin jerked away from him.

 

‘Don’t touch me,’ he said, getting up and moving away from Bradley.

 

‘I - okay. I’ll just uh… go.’

 

‘How dare you? How dare you come back, and shove all of that in my face? What is the meaning of this? What the fuck are you expecting?’ Colin’s voice was rising with every word.

 

‘I wasn’t-’

 

‘Seven months, Bradley! Seven months - you left without a word, you ignored all of my texts and calls and emails - I _know_ Katie got through to you, so don’t tell me you were out of touch - how could you?’ He was positively yelling now. ‘And now you come crawling back for what? Do you just expect me to welcome you with open arms and pretend like none of it ever happened? Because it DID happen, Bradley, it fucking happened and I fucking _loved_ you, okay… I still…’ 

Colin’s voice broke as his head dropped. Bradley’s arms were suddenly around him, and he was resisting but Bradley was stronger than him, and then he found himself yielding, longing to have more of that heady scent that was Bradley, this man that he loved so much, who had left him so alone and desolate and…

 

‘Unphh… NO!’ he yelled again, as he placed his arms squarely on Bradley’s shoulders and shoved him away with all his strength. 

 

‘ _Colin_ ,’ Bradley whispered, his eyes pleading. Colin turned away from him and walked out of the room. Bradley watched him leave, and swallowed the lump in his throat. He stood there was a few moments, rocking slightly, his hands still raised to where they were around Colin. After a while, he dropped his hands to his sides, and walked back and picked up his laptop. He walked to the door, stopping for a second just before opening it to take a deep breath, as the enormity of the moment sank down on him. He had just turned the handle on the door, when -

 

‘Why are you here, Bradley?’

 

He twisted back to face the room. Colin was standing next to the sofa, his hands deep in his pockets. He had removed his hoodie and was wearing his old _Death Cab for Cutie_ t-shirt, looking at Bradley intently.

 

‘It’s always been you, Colin,’ Bradley said, shaking his head resignedly. ‘I’m sorry it took me so long, and so many attempts. I didn’t - I didn’t want to acknowledge this.’

 

Colin gaped at him.

 

‘Acknowledge? We were together three years! I should have thought this was beyond “acknowledgement”!’

 

‘No, that’s not what I meant,’ Bradley sighed. ‘It’s just that - I fell in love with you first. You know that. Everyone knows that - hell, the _fans_ probably know that. After we finished the show - I kept thinking that you’d be the one to leave me. I  mean, the show was over. I thought you stuck with me because we were both thrown into this… this situation, and once we didn’t _have_ to spend every waking moment together, you probably wouldn’t want to spend any other time with me. And well, you got projects before we even finished _Merlin_ \- you were going to be thrown in similar situations with - well, _other_ people - and I couldn’t wrap my head around that. I didn’t think I would be able to handle it if you’d walked out on me-’

 

‘Bradley,’ Colin cut him short. ‘Apart from how entirely baseless that whole argument is, it still doesn’t answer my question.’

 

‘It’s not baseless, alright?’ Bradley said, raising his voice, He walked back to the centre of the living room and placed his laptop on the table. ‘You’d never done a serious relationship before. You were - and still are - a workaholic. Even when we were together, you put your work before me, and I was _fine_ with that - I really was. _Merlin_ was what brought us together, I wasn’t going to ask you to take any less seriously the one thing that led to something so meaningful in my life. And what did I have going for me that you’d have wanted to stay? _Nothing!_ So I left, before you could - and yes, I know that wasn’t the most graceful exit - I don’t think I was even _looking_ for an exit, I just didn’t want to be the one on whom the door would close.’

 

‘So you closed the door on me, instead?’

 

‘No. Well, yes - I suppose I did. I didn’t know what to do, Colin, I was so fucking scared.’

 

Colin was breathing heavily, trying desperately not to fly off the handle.

 

‘Okay. Let’s, for the sake of argument, assume that any of that made sense. Why didn’t you talk to me? I was your best friend - I thought we’d covered how that came first, before _any_ of the relationship stuff.’

 

‘You know that is easier said than done, Col.’

 

Colin sighed. 

‘Bradley, I’m imploring you. You walked out on me without a word, and disappeared from my life for seven months. I would’ve thought you were dead if it wasn’t for Katie - and the _fucking internet_ telling me you were in the States. You ignored all of my attempts to reach you all of this time. And now you’re here, and your explanation is that you were scared? The fuck does that mean? Have you forgotten how scared _I_ was before I got serious with you? _You_ were there - you soothed _me_ down and drove those fears away. And now you just show up, thinking I’ll be happy to see you? You want to know if I still love you? Yes, I do. I _still_ do. But I don’t want to. Not after what you did. I don’t trust you any more. So please tell me, clearly, why the hell you're in my flat.’

 

Bradley took another deep breath and squared his shoulders as he raised his eyes to meet Colin’s. 

 

‘Because of this,’ he said quietly, pointing to his laptop. ‘I found some of these old videos and watching them made me realise that I’d left my life behind. And I didn’t just come back for me, Col, if that’s what you’re thinking. When I went away, I still had all these insecurities. And if, by some divine intervention, you do forgive me tonight, I will still have them. I came back because I know that this (he pointed to the laptop) isn’t something I can give up on. I can’t run away from you. I won’t die without you, Colin - I’m not trying to be unrealistically romantic here. I _can_ live without you. But I don’t want to. I know you can live without me too, and at this point you probably want to. But I came here to tell you that yes, it took me a ridiculously long time to figure it out, but I just don’t see the point of existing without you. I can go through life, but for what? And even if you don’t feel the same way about me - I can accept that. It might sound pathetic, but I’m in love with you, and I’m done keeping my pride above that. I don’t have anything to offer to you tonight, except to tell you that I’m sorry, and I wished I’d never left from the moment I stepped outside this door seven months ago.’

 

Colin met this declaration with silence, moving forwards and then sinking on to the couch, staring at his hands. After a couple of moments, Bradley saw his shoulders shaking slightly. 

 

‘Shit, Colin, don’t,’ he muttered as he stepped towards the couch. He took it as a good sign that Colin didn’t shake off his hand when he placed it on his shoulder. Bradley reached behind him, remembering clearly how Colin liked to be held, and sat behind him, his arms coming to meet on Colin’s chest and pulling him close, his face buried along the back of Colin’s neck. 

 

‘I’m so sorry,’ he whispered, as he held Colin and rocked him slightly. 

 

‘Bradley,’ Colin managed to wasp out when he caught his breath, tears still streaming down his cheeks, ‘if you pull this stunt again, I _will_ not be able to deal with it.’

 

‘I promise,’ Bradley whispered, softly kissing along Colin’s jaw. ‘I’m staying.’

 

Colin turned to face Bradley and looked into his eyes, his hand coming up to feel the shape of Bradley’s neck one more time. 

 

‘You’re the best thing that happened to me. I _never_ ever wanted to leave, not once.’

 

Bradley nodded, slowly. 

 

‘I missed you,’ he said, and leaned in to kiss Colin, blissfully happy that he was finally back right where he belonged.

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
